Now I know why the dog's breath smells so bad.

Freddie was watching Petra the other day and she wag cleaning herself.  Freddie looked at me,  looked at her,  and looked back at me and said - no wonder why her breath smells so bad. She's kicking her butt and get non-penis*.

So,  just in case you're wondering why your animals breath smells, now you know.

*For those of you who don't know,  Freddie still calls the vagina: non-penis.  He had never asked for the proper term nor have I bothered to give it to him.  I think I'd is funny it is a non-penis. When he asks,  I'll let him know.

To laugh or not to laugh....

Abi happens to have this habit of sticking her head in between the stair railings and getting stuck.

Now keep in mind we live in an older house where the stair rails are not to code to today's width apart requirements to prevent this hilarity.... I mean tragedy. 

Last month,  Abi thought it would be a good idea to say good night to Livie by sticking her head through said rails.  This ended up getting her stuck.... and screaming like there was no tomorrow. 

I managed to get her loose and to remove her head.  She promised she would not do it again. We figured after that scare she would be better about it and not attempt this trick again.

Was.  I. Wrong.  Today as she was talking to my ex-husband, she was sitting on the second floor and stuck her head between the bars.  He drops Corbin off and leaves.  As we are all headed up stairs Abi starts screaming again. Guess who is stuck?

This time she managed to get herself loose and vane crying to me for sympathy.  Wrong move.  Instead she got sent to get room for breaking the rule and Scotty P would deal with her when he got back. After about 10 minutes he returned and I told him what happened. He started laughing and said - isn't it punishment enough that she did it and scared herself. Obviously not. Because had it been then she would have learned from the FIRST time she did this.

Every time Scotty P went to head over her he started laughing. I have to be honest, it's fucking hilarious.

After his talk with her, she came in and promised me she would never do it again.

No.  No she wont. Because if she does I'm leaving her there and I made it very clear that it no one would save her from her own stupidity.

I give it two months and she'll be stuck again.

Face, meet cake.

Somewhere over the last year, it has become tradition our children smash their faces into their birthday cakes. We aren't exactly sure where this tradition came from, but we do know Livie started it last year, when she dunked her head into her orange cake with purple lettering... needless to say, but I'm going to anyways, her face ended up stained orange and purple.

Livie, the trend setter, on her 8th birthday.

Well yesterday, our middle child turned 7. (My first words to Scotty P yesterday was, oh shit, we have 8, 7, and 6 in the house. We are fucked.)

Abi was all for smashing her head into the ice cream cake, but when push came to shove she just stood there and debated it. So she had a little help from Daddy...maybe next year she will just do it instead of getting the help.

**It's a bit loud, I'd turn it down** Also, I couldn't stop laughing. Mother of the Year.

And this is the end result.

Happy Birthday Abi, we love you and can't wait to see how much more fun will be had over the years.

The girl with a dragon tattoo. On her butt cheeks.

As of late, Scotty P has gotten a new tattoo. Now, as much as I'd love to get a tattoo, I don't want to sit through that pain. *yeah yeah yeah, sissy, I know* Also, I don't know where I would get my tattoo... I know what I want, I just don't know where. Slight problem. I also enjoy the fact I don't have tattoos, as to where it seems everyone else does.

Now, tattoos are always open for discussion in the house. If any of the kids ever came to us and said, they wanted a tattoo, depending on what it was and where it went, we would more than likely say yes, drive them down there, and help them pay for it. 

There is nothing wrong with tattoos and we don't want our kids to ever think there is. Growing up, I was always told tattoos and any piercings aside from the ear were wrong. This is not the mentality I want my children to have. Ever. 

Now, if I had to guess, Abi will be the first one to get a tattoo the minute she turns 18 and it's going to be bold and she will have no shame about it. Olivia will end up with one, a small one behind the ear or somewhere it's not noticeable. Freddie, I'm still on the fence about. Like me, he loves looking at them on other people, the idea of a needle freaks him out, so only time will tell on him. 

Abi asking questions about her Daddy's new tattoo and it's meaning, started coming up with her own ideas for her tattoo... in 12 years. 

Abi: I want a dragon like Daddy.
Me: Okay, that's fine. Do you know where you want it?
Abi: My stomach. So when I get fat it gets bigger.

/facepalm/

Me: Abi... you know, there is a possibility it will stretch out. And you're like Daddy, you're not going to gain any weight no matter how much we feed you.
Abi: Yeah, I guess you're right. What about on my butt? 
Me: Well... Daddy is going to have to approve that one, but if you want to sit through that pain, knock yourself out.

Sigh. You know, I didn't think she would ask that. Leave it to my kids.

Deflatable boobies!

This week has been an interesting one to say the least... as I work into my second month as a stay at home mom of three with two on Spring Break I have hit some interesting highs... and some lows. Not gonna lie.

It's been rough, but it's been fun. As I told my brother tonight, I always had a huge respect for stay at home moms, but now I have a whole different level of respect... especially those that have three or more kids... of girls. That talk. Non. Stop. ALL. DAY. 

With my girls I am learning there is nothing, nothing <-- I can't stress this enough, that is not subject to conversation. Anything is open to discussion. Which is fine, I always want my children to be open and be able to talk with me and with Scotty P. 

One of the things we stress in this house is we love everyone for who they are (even if they are jackasses) and no matter how they look. They are learning, and have learned, even mean people just need a little love and some times it takes simple little gestures to help people who are having a hard day. 

Yesterday, this sparked a conversation while the girls were playing with Barbie and how she looked. The girls have a couple of Barbies they play with which were presents for Christmas and they love taking in the car with them when we go places. Livie noted there were a lot of blonde women standing around and her Barbie was blonde too. 

This lead to me talking about how Barbie should probably pull down her skirt because her vajay was going to show to all the women and men walking by. So as the girls fell over laughing, they explained, she did have panties on and undressed her. Low and behold, she does have panties on, which got us onto the conversation of, what would we look like if we all looked like Barbie... AH. Now, they are thinking.

I start examining Barbie and talking to the girls.

A few things I notice:

1. Barbie does not have a vajay. 
2. They have made her legs thicker then when I was growing up.
3. They have shrunk her boobs.

So as we are discussing these things the following conclusions were made.

1. We would not be able to pee or poop, according to Abi.
2. It is probably easier for her to stand so she doesn't fall over with her boobs.
3. If she had bigger boobs she would fall over.

This then spurred us into the conversation to, how Barbie use to have bigger boobs and thinner legs, when I was growing up. And if she were real she would fall over because her boobs would be so big she wouldn't be able to stand. As I finished this statement, Abi looked at me in horror and said - OH. NO. Her boobs would deflate if she fell over and it would go pppfffffttttt..... 

Not exactly, but close enough. If my girls want to think fake boobs = air, for now, I'll let them.

Deep, deep, deep, deep BITCH

If anyone knows one thing about us, it's the fact we cuss in this household and we are not ashamed of it. We also allow our children to cuss (within reason) and as long as it's used properly. Look, they are going to learn it sooner or later, and it's going to be sooner, with the proper context and certain rules.

We had a good giggle tonight because as we were discussing dinner we were trying to figure out what would be had. Pizza was the end vote, which is fine, I'm over cooking for the week *yeah, shut it, it's only Tuesday, so what?* and the kids were discussing whether they liked regular or deep dish better.

I could care less, Livie voted on original and Abi apparently wanted deep bitch.

As Abi expressed her love for deep dish pizza her words got jumbled after many "deep, deep, deep, deep" words, she came out with bitch for dish.

So it may be a few days before we end up with a "deep bitch" but tonight's dinner will be a deep dish instead. It will just have to suffice.  

Now and Then

Today when I picked up Freddie from school he proudly announced they did Social Studies in class today. When I asked what this entailed, he said, nothing.

Okay... let's try this again. 

Me: So, social studies taught you nothing today?
Freddie: It taught me about Now and Then. 
Me: Now and Then, interesting.
Freddie: Yeah, do you know what that is?
Me: I do.
Freddie: I am 'Now' and you are 'Then'. 

Uh... that's not exactly how I was planning on that conversation to go.

Freddie: Grandma is Then Then. When I have kids, I'll be Then and you'll be Then Then...

Anyone want a child? He's cute.